Changes
October 2 2002.
This date is significant for two reasons.
Firstly, it was my grandmother's 80th birthday.
Secondly, it marks the last time I visited home.
I am going home for the first time since that date.
I am anxious.
Lots of contemplation provided a few theories about my anxiety.
* I struggle with my weight. Am I worried that I am not as thin as I would like? Last time home, I was heavier than I am now, and since then I have lost about 30 pounds, but then recently gained back about 15 of those. Needless to say, I still feel thick and it makes me feel insecure and strips me of my self-confidence. No matter how much I brush my teeth to whiten my smile, it does nothing for my love handles.
* I don't know yet if EI has approved me. I thought they had, but turns out they haven't for sure yet. Either they are figuring out how much to give me, or still wonder if they should pay me. I recently discovered I have $32 in my bank. Hmmm. I wonder what that will buy? I bought 4 cobs of corn tonight. There goes $2.49.
I have the opportunity to go to Tofino on Wednesday for 2 days. Can I go?
No. Not with $32 dollars in my bank account.
* I will be reunited with my mother, who I have not spoken to since Christmas, due to her unfair and unethical handling of post-divorce financial matters with my father. It isn't that I want to write her out of my life the way my siblings have, I don't feel I can do that. But how can I maintain a relationship with her when she continues to screw-over my father? Further, if we talk, what will we talk about?
* I anticipate a certain unspeakable feeeling... perhaps jealousy, or maybe it is envy, or maybe it is just a lingering wistfullness when I see how certain long lost friends that I have been completely horrible at maintaining contact with have advanced along the road of life that most in society strive along. In less wordy terms: when I see friends that are married with children, house, car, etc etc... I feel somehow left out. This is stupid - I know. I am doing my thing and loving it.
I have a partner of almost 8 years whom I love so much and who is so good to me. We live in a new apartment in one of the greatest neighborhoods (West End/English Bay)in one of the greatest cities (Vancouver). We have three wonderful cats, and enjoy life to it's fullest. Well, as much as we can afford to. But we still haven't had the ceremony I want to - still not sure if we want to go the whole legal wedding route. I have seen enough relationships falter and fail, that really, I just want a ceremony where we say "I love you", and we celebrate with friends and family, eat drink and be merry. We don't own a house or a condo. Some days I wish we did, other days I am glad we don't. We don't own a car. Again, it would be nice, but I can still put forward an arguement for not having one in this city. We don't have kids. We want kids, but ofcourse it requires a little more work for us to do this. Plus we just don't feel like we are 'ready' yet. I am not a fulltime teacher, and we only just started making ok money. We still are burdened financially by things like the devil we know as Student Loan. Yet, as everyday goes by, our little eggs get older.
See the details I think of? Endless.
But I do love life - I enjoy every day. But will I compare where I am at vs. my friends? Will I feel badly because they are rolling along one route, while I am meandering along another. I shouldn't, but sometimes I do.
MY TRUE POINT:
One thing I realized today.
I have a friend visiting from the UK.
He is one of my closest friends, or was when he lived here - he lived with us for 6 months when his marriage suffered a meltdown. Then he moved away. He has met a wonderful woman, and is now engaged to be married again. Good for him - he deserves happiness. Anyhow - our friendship was very tight. When we hung out, he would be intently focused on me or our conversation or whatever.
Now, his attention and concern lies with his fiancee. He focuses on her, and if it was only the two of them he would be fine. And that is normal and that is fine. But still I notice the different 'feel' to the friendship. It isn't bad, just slightly different.
I think finally perhaps i know it is this anticipated difference in friendship that makes me anxious.
When I lived at home and hung out with my friends, we were all so close.
We went in and out of relationships, but largely were single. As time has passed, people have paired off, had families, developed careers and other interests... so when I visit, i will be seeing them in an entirely different role. They are no longer "Jane Doe" highschool friend of mine, they are "Mrs. Jane Smith", wife of so-and-so, mother of so-and-so, busy with this and that, which is all foreign to me, because I haven't seen them in years.
I guess I see them, frozen the way I remember them, fresh out of university, partying etc, when really they have moved on.
I will look at them and think perhaps "they look older" like I do with movie stars, as though I expected them to stay the same age forever. They will ofcourse look at me and think "hmm, she's pretty thick, I thought she lost weight?" or "hmm, wrinkles and grey hairs. she old". People don't say this, but surely they think it - your mind makes the comparisons. I do it with my family. I saw my sister for the first time in a couple of years last summer, and I do remember thinking she looked older. But how stupid of me, ofcourse she would. And so did I. It took a few minutes to re-acquaint, it is like you are getting used to that person again.
How very rambly of me.
Perhaps I can leave all my insecurities here, and just go out and have fun.
I am still me, they are still them.
Time changes some things, but if I loved you once, I will love you again.
Will you feel the same?
This date is significant for two reasons.
Firstly, it was my grandmother's 80th birthday.
Secondly, it marks the last time I visited home.
I am going home for the first time since that date.
I am anxious.
Lots of contemplation provided a few theories about my anxiety.
* I struggle with my weight. Am I worried that I am not as thin as I would like? Last time home, I was heavier than I am now, and since then I have lost about 30 pounds, but then recently gained back about 15 of those. Needless to say, I still feel thick and it makes me feel insecure and strips me of my self-confidence. No matter how much I brush my teeth to whiten my smile, it does nothing for my love handles.
* I don't know yet if EI has approved me. I thought they had, but turns out they haven't for sure yet. Either they are figuring out how much to give me, or still wonder if they should pay me. I recently discovered I have $32 in my bank. Hmmm. I wonder what that will buy? I bought 4 cobs of corn tonight. There goes $2.49.
I have the opportunity to go to Tofino on Wednesday for 2 days. Can I go?
No. Not with $32 dollars in my bank account.
* I will be reunited with my mother, who I have not spoken to since Christmas, due to her unfair and unethical handling of post-divorce financial matters with my father. It isn't that I want to write her out of my life the way my siblings have, I don't feel I can do that. But how can I maintain a relationship with her when she continues to screw-over my father? Further, if we talk, what will we talk about?
* I anticipate a certain unspeakable feeeling... perhaps jealousy, or maybe it is envy, or maybe it is just a lingering wistfullness when I see how certain long lost friends that I have been completely horrible at maintaining contact with have advanced along the road of life that most in society strive along. In less wordy terms: when I see friends that are married with children, house, car, etc etc... I feel somehow left out. This is stupid - I know. I am doing my thing and loving it.
I have a partner of almost 8 years whom I love so much and who is so good to me. We live in a new apartment in one of the greatest neighborhoods (West End/English Bay)in one of the greatest cities (Vancouver). We have three wonderful cats, and enjoy life to it's fullest. Well, as much as we can afford to. But we still haven't had the ceremony I want to - still not sure if we want to go the whole legal wedding route. I have seen enough relationships falter and fail, that really, I just want a ceremony where we say "I love you", and we celebrate with friends and family, eat drink and be merry. We don't own a house or a condo. Some days I wish we did, other days I am glad we don't. We don't own a car. Again, it would be nice, but I can still put forward an arguement for not having one in this city. We don't have kids. We want kids, but ofcourse it requires a little more work for us to do this. Plus we just don't feel like we are 'ready' yet. I am not a fulltime teacher, and we only just started making ok money. We still are burdened financially by things like the devil we know as Student Loan. Yet, as everyday goes by, our little eggs get older.
See the details I think of? Endless.
But I do love life - I enjoy every day. But will I compare where I am at vs. my friends? Will I feel badly because they are rolling along one route, while I am meandering along another. I shouldn't, but sometimes I do.
MY TRUE POINT:
One thing I realized today.
I have a friend visiting from the UK.
He is one of my closest friends, or was when he lived here - he lived with us for 6 months when his marriage suffered a meltdown. Then he moved away. He has met a wonderful woman, and is now engaged to be married again. Good for him - he deserves happiness. Anyhow - our friendship was very tight. When we hung out, he would be intently focused on me or our conversation or whatever.
Now, his attention and concern lies with his fiancee. He focuses on her, and if it was only the two of them he would be fine. And that is normal and that is fine. But still I notice the different 'feel' to the friendship. It isn't bad, just slightly different.
I think finally perhaps i know it is this anticipated difference in friendship that makes me anxious.
When I lived at home and hung out with my friends, we were all so close.
We went in and out of relationships, but largely were single. As time has passed, people have paired off, had families, developed careers and other interests... so when I visit, i will be seeing them in an entirely different role. They are no longer "Jane Doe" highschool friend of mine, they are "Mrs. Jane Smith", wife of so-and-so, mother of so-and-so, busy with this and that, which is all foreign to me, because I haven't seen them in years.
I guess I see them, frozen the way I remember them, fresh out of university, partying etc, when really they have moved on.
I will look at them and think perhaps "they look older" like I do with movie stars, as though I expected them to stay the same age forever. They will ofcourse look at me and think "hmm, she's pretty thick, I thought she lost weight?" or "hmm, wrinkles and grey hairs. she old". People don't say this, but surely they think it - your mind makes the comparisons. I do it with my family. I saw my sister for the first time in a couple of years last summer, and I do remember thinking she looked older. But how stupid of me, ofcourse she would. And so did I. It took a few minutes to re-acquaint, it is like you are getting used to that person again.
How very rambly of me.
Perhaps I can leave all my insecurities here, and just go out and have fun.
I am still me, they are still them.
Time changes some things, but if I loved you once, I will love you again.
Will you feel the same?
posted by asthmatic at 8:08 PM
2 Comments:
Will I feel the same? I hope not. Struggling to make something feel the way it did brings promise of despair. Is the tree outside your home exactly the same as it was last year? Do you even think about it? Bet you just enjoy the tree all the same. Bet it enjoys YOU all the same too.
I think the things you write about are far more commomon than anyone likes to admit. I feel them too. Perhaps others think about themselves in other ways that express self doubt.
I examine why my thoughts gravitate to what I think I should be (of course, from my perspective), or have, or whatever. It's not easy, but finding myself in the same place gets kinda boring (if not down- right frustrating!). I'm always haunted by "do the same things, get the same results!" Just how deeply can I look into that truth (about myself?).
So, when we meet again, if things are different (because they will be), then see if the part that holds a friendship true are still there. Honesty, integrity and compassion.
Ahhh RJ.
Wise words, as always.
Thanks. :)
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