Preoccupied
I am overwhelmingly preoccupied with such random deep thoughts that my mind is swimming. I seem to be in a mental tail-spin since the Campbell River trip.
I am seemingly paralyzed by a desire to write, but feel constipated somehow because no words will come out. I think of my past - my family history, of which my father spoke at length during our visit. I think of his past, my past, our theories around the unravelling of my treasured family nucleus. I think of how crucial my friends have been to me through my life, and yet how I have lost touch with so many of them since I have moved to BC. Is it a reflection of living in a different province, a different time zone, in a different life? Is it that I am essentially married, and as we go, day to day, living happily in our world, that I let slide the world I shared with my friends. Don't get me wrong - I am very much in love and love our life - we are finally building it and enjoying it, as we are both out of school and with good jobs. But I am aware that I have neglected other parts of my life, something I would like to remedy.
Well, I have been inspired lately - in my last post I called it 'illumination'. Things in my life are gaining meaning. I am starting to realize some priorities in my life. I think one of my latest revelations is that time just flies by too quickly. i know it. But really. It is SO easy to get wrapped up in your own life, that days blend, weekends come and go, months pass, seasons change, and suddenly you stop and look around and the landscape of your life has changed. Friends have married, had babies, bought houses, moved away...
I have changed from being a participant in so many lives, to being a distant spectator.
I DO NOT want to be the distant spectator.
Hell, even in the lives of my family, I am a spectator. How has this transpired? All the things I want to be and the person I want to be in my family life is not who I am. Much of this is not really my fault - the life of the poor student does not afford the luxury of regular visits home.
Irregardless, something has changed in me.
Something has 'clicked'.
I have a vision... I know what I want to do (almost too much - ambitious as always) and I am beginning to realize who I want to be. It feels good.
I welcome the upcoming changes that I need to make ... that I WILL make.
I am 32.
Life stops for no one.
Life will not leave my behind.
I will live it. I will love it.
I am seemingly paralyzed by a desire to write, but feel constipated somehow because no words will come out. I think of my past - my family history, of which my father spoke at length during our visit. I think of his past, my past, our theories around the unravelling of my treasured family nucleus. I think of how crucial my friends have been to me through my life, and yet how I have lost touch with so many of them since I have moved to BC. Is it a reflection of living in a different province, a different time zone, in a different life? Is it that I am essentially married, and as we go, day to day, living happily in our world, that I let slide the world I shared with my friends. Don't get me wrong - I am very much in love and love our life - we are finally building it and enjoying it, as we are both out of school and with good jobs. But I am aware that I have neglected other parts of my life, something I would like to remedy.
Well, I have been inspired lately - in my last post I called it 'illumination'. Things in my life are gaining meaning. I am starting to realize some priorities in my life. I think one of my latest revelations is that time just flies by too quickly. i know it. But really. It is SO easy to get wrapped up in your own life, that days blend, weekends come and go, months pass, seasons change, and suddenly you stop and look around and the landscape of your life has changed. Friends have married, had babies, bought houses, moved away...
I have changed from being a participant in so many lives, to being a distant spectator.
I DO NOT want to be the distant spectator.
Hell, even in the lives of my family, I am a spectator. How has this transpired? All the things I want to be and the person I want to be in my family life is not who I am. Much of this is not really my fault - the life of the poor student does not afford the luxury of regular visits home.
Irregardless, something has changed in me.
Something has 'clicked'.
I have a vision... I know what I want to do (almost too much - ambitious as always) and I am beginning to realize who I want to be. It feels good.
I welcome the upcoming changes that I need to make ... that I WILL make.
I am 32.
Life stops for no one.
Life will not leave my behind.
I will live it. I will love it.
posted by asthmatic at 9:40 PM
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